Minivan Dad

I wrote this a few years ago, before we bought the big SUV. I miss that minivan!

I’m starting to realize that I am no longer cool. I used to have a vague sense of coolness. I was kind of cool most of the time and once in a while I was really super cool. Now, I’m beginning to think that not only am I not cool now, I haven’t been cool for a very long time.

It began as a vague kind of spidy-sense. I felt the winds of change, I just didn’t realize what it was until a few days ago. A friend of mine just bought herself a new beamer. (Yes I have friends in that crowd, thank you very much.) She joked about a relative who suggested a sporty minivan and then said something in a lilting laugh that included the phrase “Brain damaged moron.”

I was suddenly struck with the idea that the minivan today has the same stigma as the station wagon did when I was growing up. I confirmed this with a few other sources (the next two nearest people) and was astounded to find this to be the case. The minivan is no longer cool. I was blown away. Upon expressing my surprise I was greeted with “When was the minivan cool?” (He’s off my Christmas card list by the way.)

I remember when my Dad had a four wheel drive station wagon and he thought that was the best thing ever. We just sat still in the fold down seats and hoped he never had the desire to test its all-terrain capabilities.

My buddy’s dad used to brag on their family wagon “This is the heaviest production car ever made. We’ve put so many miles on it, we could have driven around the world seven times. This car has the same engine that they used on Apollo 13.” And then our eyes would involuntarily roll from one side of our head to the other and a sigh would force its way out of our vocal cords only to fog up the untinted windows. I seem to remember Convoy was always playing on the 8-track too.


So when the mini-van came on the scene I was enthralled. You could leave the station wagon world behind and ride in total family car coolness. As a teenager I had this grand dream (some might call it an ungrounded illusion, whatever) of a sporty minivan pulling a trailer holding a pair of jet skis, all custom painted to match. I had never even been on jet skis before but when you’re dreaming you might as well go for jet skis, I always say.

As I grew up I never lost interest in the desire to own my piece of family car heaven. When our clan finally reached minivan proportions--three girls with one boy on the way--we bought the American dream with one sliding door and a rear lift hatch.

How can you go wrong with a V6 roof racked forest green window tinted beauty? This thing had cup holders for every seat! Cup holders man. How cool is that? Did your old bubble window station wagon have cup holders? Ours didn’t. Tinted windows? What’s that? Our mini machine even has a tow package. I can tow stuff. I want to see you throw a trailer behind your beamer sedan. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Nowadays these new mini-treasures are coming out with the fold down seats that give you over 351,770 different interior configurations, including the Las Vegas Lounge and Military Bunker styles. And double sliding doors are almost standard now. Could it be any cooler? Apparently the general consensus is, “Yes, is can be cooler.” Heresy, I say, Hair-Us-E.

I’ll tell you why the MV and I are loosing our cool. Guys with more money buying those huge SUVs made by Freightliner, Mack, and Peterbilt. Sure, more room, more power, and more other stuff. But cooler and sexier than a minivan? P’Shaw! I say you can’t simply buy coolness with more money on the sticker price and more cash down the gas tank.

Just the other day my sweet princess suggested that we might look at one of these SUVs when its time for us to buy again. Betrayed by my own love, the agony. This isn’t the first time she’s gone against my grain either. Just last year it was she who “suggested” I lose the parachute pants look. Like her painted nails and capris make her the cool police. Oh well, maybe I’ll be cool again if I just do what everyone else is doing. Hey, do you need two gas cards for an SUV or do you just get a second mortgage?